[04/07/21]


Sick Day

Someday I will have to (take a look at) the fact
That I like being sick

I don’t want to die
(the majority of the time)
And I still want to carry on with my life
But I wish I was sick

Why would anyone want to be sick?
I am sick, now, probably have been.
But that’s maybe not what it’s about.

I want to be sick
But not *too* sick
Sick enough to be contagious
But fine otherwise
Like a mild infectious skin rash
Or a timid flu

I wish I was sick
There’s no humor, good or bad, that I’m sick now
That’s not where I go with this
I could say
“I wanted it to bad, now I have it”
But that’s not what I am trying to say

When I wish I was sick
All those times I didn’t feel well
That I didn’t want to work
Felt too tired
Or too burnt out
or didn’t want to go to class today
or —

Those days were my most peaceful
I could relax.
If I wasn’t sick,
Then I should be doing something
And not having a diagnosis means I’m not sick
Therefore all of these feelings are me just not being “good enough”
“trying hard enough”
“caring enough”
They aren’t my body telling me to show down
because it can’t handle this pace
day after day
work work work tired work tired work tired tired work burnout burnout burnout
burnout burnout

(different poem?)

You know what you should be doing on your disability leave?
working
work work work work
that core inside of you always wanting
desiring
not desiring
feeling
finding
never finding
happiness or relaxation or purpose
just keep doing tasks, cross them off your list
so you can relax.

you say you are lazy
that you never do anything
Have you considered maybe not actually doing anything?
Oh no, it’s the voice
the one that holds me back
no silly, that’s not my purpose
Listening to yourself isn’t holding you back
it’s seeking clarity from the bowels of your own existence
the finding peace within yourself
it’s figuring out it’s been there all along
you just have to
stop looking (for it)