[04-19-2021]

my sweet sweet brain

what are we stressing out about today?
the uncertainty of my leave?
my job?
the future?
america?
the earth?
my social life?
my family?
what people think about when i miss an obligation?
my partners?
getting a migraine?
dying?
living well?
not ever feeling like I am enough?

do I just fold the insides until they don’t hurt anymore?
I do tasks and tasks and tasks and
mark each one off
it’s never enough
to keep it at bay
the end of my world
the start of my day
i don’t know where
well ever goooooo
but when you see
me please say helllooooo

do I bend the insides until they meet the outsides
do I just keep self-regulating?
until the end of the daaaaaaaaay

Hey self
it’s self-regulation hour
I feel well for a day
For each person murdered
For each trans person killed
For each mentally ill person shot
For each Black child choked


i have to live
and i hate it
i wish there was no more of me
and that it could finally end
i want to share my day with you
because i can’t do it on my own
i can’t keep distracting myself
with task and task and task
it will never end
i can’t keep the demons at bay with progress
only clensing
and trusting
and sitting in the discomfort
remembering that it’s the clothes I wear
when I go outside
it wraps me up and keeps my life delivering surprise after surprise
frustration
annoyance
out of breath