[05/04/21]

I’m again at the brink
Life spread out below me
Like the rivers spreading when you look down form a mountain top
It’s an original metaphor, I know
Rivers
Human Condition

I’m again at the brink.
I’ve done all I *need* to do
I’ve done everything urgent
That’s left me with nothing
and everything

Today I *practiced*
and *created*
and had fun

Yesterday was fire and burning
Today was chill
I’m okay being here where I am

But I am still on the brink

I used to worry that I would never change
I would be the same, forever, until I was dead
Now I know change is slow
Efforts take years, decades, generations
Change is slow and insidious
You chip away
10 mins here, 10 mins there
One thing at a time
You stop trying
Because underneath of all that trying
Is fear


Youtube recommendations videos will inform you of the thing you are missing from making your life ‘successful’
Propaganda straight to your ears
You just haven’t learned the trick yet
There’s an easy path, you just have to find it
At the end of the path of finding the path
There’s just, yet again, another path
More choices
More anxiety
More fear
More uncertainty
More death

Maybe I don’t have a self. Maybe I’m the matter that becomes the human
Maybe I am the constant hum in my ears

I must *do* constantly
I just always need to help moving
Or Else
I get the whispers

Yesterday I punched myself 4 times in the arm and twice in the thigh while standing in the kitchen at 11:00 am