[05-08-2021]

I look at the bruise on my arm
everyday
more than once
It’s got .....layers
light purple on the side towards my wrist
maybe the point of most impact
spreads down in an oval, maybe 2 inches long
I can see a vein protrude through the center of it
closer to my elbow
there’s a clear division
where it turns brown and green
a little wider maybe
and go towards the right
back into the oval
a clear spot,
it’s almost hard to see
it looks like a trick of the light if you look too long
but it’s there

these are my markings
i’m like a gothy teen, or whatbI thought one would be like
I punched myself in the arm, 4 times
and twice in the thigh
standing in my kitchen
it wasn’t a moment that changed me
there was no bright clarity
I felt a little better, for a moment

I don’t know what this means
or why I did it
there’s no sign to find
no hidden motive
i struck my arm 4 times
and my thigh twice

reading online about self-harm makes it sounds like I should be ashamed on it, that the shame of it makes it hard to talk about
maybe if I was 15
but I’m not
I’m me
I’ve seen a lot
Punched quite a few things
mostly inantinate objects

I’m me
I punched myself 4 times in the arm
I took my right hard, curled it into a ball, and quickly thrust my knuckles into the left forearm
where everyone could see it
I didn’t know if it would leave a mark
that wasn’t really the point
or at least it didn’t go through my head

this is probably the worst I’ve hurt myself