[08/14/21]

I said

I said I want to produce
I want to make ....things
I want to reifiy my ideas
into machines
I want to
build a concept
from the depths
of my subconscious
I want to share
my dumb little ideas
with the lovely little people
who are in my life
I want to inspire
I often want to die
but I won't
at least, not on purpose,
because I haven't created enough yet
will someone look through my phone after I'm gone lol
and read all of my bad poems?
Because
if this is it
and no one ever reads it
what was the point?
does making something no one will see mater?
does playing games for entertainment matter?
does any of this matter?
why do we do anything?
I didn't mean for this to get extensional
it's just that
I kind of don't get it
boyfriend dungeon said love yourself for your current you (basically)
I think I do (I don't)
I am scared to be alone
because I don't want to face
my deep down core connection
I'm 5 months out of work
I'm used to it by now
and this is how I'd like things to e
I don't want anyone to bother me
I want to play games and masterbate
until I fade into antiquity

I want to make things
I want to take ny ideas and put them down with my shakey hand
onto this piece of paper --
or digitial text --

I want to make things
I want to die slowly
I don't want to die
I want to live to live, not live to die
or die to die
or die to live
live to live. life for life. death for death.
my head alwas hurts
and my brain constantly buzzes
and doctors don't believe me
i was tod I can do the things I want because I am genuine and kind
I wish other peoples words could really make a foothold
in my deepest of deep pits
but they just don't
unfortunely

reframe

I take the kind works people I respect have told me
and embellish my dark twisted teenage goth insides
my sadness and woe and torment and loneliness
I want to be judged and left
[alone?]