This is a collection of unedited poetry, stream of consiousness, and journal entries that I wrote during in 2021, when I first became ill enough to take an extended leave (and eventually get fired) from my full-time job.
This collection is almost entirely unedited. Partially because I was told so often not to release unedited work, partially to try to communicate my unvarnished thoughts and feelings from a period of deep anxiety, but mostly because I don't know if I'll ever have the energy to commit actually editing this and making it palatable.
I'm also generally terrified of posting online, I usually avoid social media these days because it takes like a total of 5 mins before I am having a panic attack. I hate the idea of showing myself online, so of course I've basically spent the entire last year preparing to have a bunch of my raw stupid thoughts read, and that's kind of the art. the art is me wanting to die after this published. Fun!
It's also 3 days until the anniversary of when I started putting this together, which seems like a weird coincidence. Here's to another shitty fucking year
<3 Xtina
Things that would probably help to know about me: I'm white, from the United States, at the time of writing I was 29. I'm trans, non-binary, neurotic but in a hot way (hopefully)
Any titles below are either what I named the note in whatever app I was using at the time or just the first line in whatever it is.
Anything surrounded by [brackets] are one of the few edits I made while putting everything together. This is not everything I wrote during this period, this is just a subset that I hoped would evoke some sort of narrative as you check out the posts going forward in time.
content warning: self-harm, some graphic depictions of violence